People type some pretty strange stuff into Google.

My website has been up for less than a year, and in that time I’ve noticed some bizarre search terms that have led people to my website.

Let’s start with just the general stuff that went to the home page. In the first four months I launched the site there were very few searches for “body for wife.” Even though I was quickly ranked either first or second for this term, people just weren’t typing it into Google. Then there were suddenly a lot more searches and “body for wife” became the most popular search term that led people to my site. It seems that word is getting out, which gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

However, not everyone can spell the title of my book correctly. These searches also found my site:

• Body to wife – Are you planning to bequeath it to her when you die? Gross.
• Body fo wife – Da fambly guy’s guide ta gettin’ in shape.
• Boddy for woffe – Uh, I got nothin’.
• Wofe boddy – Again, nothing.
• Wife’s nice body – Not sure what this guy was after, but there aren’t any pics of my wife’s nice body on the site. Sorry.
• Body for wife six pack – I have a six pack? That’s news to me. On a good day I can only see four.
• Body by wife – “by” wife? Is she a dominatrix who whips you while you run on a treadmill?
• Wife writing on body – Sounds like fun.
• Getting in shape for your wife – I’d say that’s a pretty accurate search. The cool part is that there were lots of searches for this exact phrase and they spent a lot of time on the site.
• Family Guy Wife – I have a sneaking suspicion that these guys were looking for pictures of Lois Griffin.
• Body pains and negative feelings in my mind because of my wife – Dude, I can’t help you.
• Wife with body - That’s good. Being married to just a head would creep me out.
• www.usemy wife.com – I wonder how much he charges?
• My body’s wife – I’m guessing she didn’t marry you for your brains, then?
• My bose fucked my wife – You’re wife got fucked by your speaker system? She’s one kinky lady.
• Get your ass in shape – Indeed.
• Get your wife in shape – You first.
• Playing with your wife’s body – I encourage this. It burns calories.

So that’s the general searches, but other people got pretty specific. Below are some specific blog posts or chapters and the searches that found them

The eHarmony / Bowflex Post

• Bowflex babes – Yes, I know they are babes, and they didn’t get a body like that on a stupid “treadclimber.”
• Am I ugly or what? I keep getting closed on eharmony. Are these guys looking for models? – If you have to ask, the answer is “yes.”
• Bowflex treadclimber babe­ – Yup, she sure is.
• Eharmony attractive women – I don’t think that’s their area of specialization.
• Eharmony uglies – Well, I don’t know if I’d go that far.
• Eharmony actors – Ugly actors?
• Who is the woman in the bowflex treadclimber commercial – And what is her phone number?

The Fart Game Post

• Chinese farting game – There were lots of searches for this. If you read the post, the farting came about because of me eating Chinese food, but I’ve never actually heard of the Chinese farting game before.
• Insane fart game – Define a sane one.
• Daddy fart games – That’s definitely accurate.
• Fart and vomit game – In my defense, the vomit was unintentional. I’m not interested in playing any vomit games.
• Son smells my farts – Only because he wasn’t willing to jump from a moving vehicle.
• How to burn calories from farting – I wish. If this burned lots of calories I’d be super ripped.

My White Trash Neighbors Post

• How do I get my cat to stop bringing garbage in the house? – Something involving a gun comes to mind.
• Kids trashed my house – It’s their job. It’s what they do.
• Signs neighbors white trash. – If you have to ask, then they are.

Frozen Peas and Tylenol Threes

This was the story about my vasectomy.

• Oldman balls hurt – Yes, I’m old, and yes, getting a vasectomy made them hurt.
• Old man testicles picture – There are no pictures, which might explain why this person left the site right away.
• Will meth make my balls hurt? – I understand why this search found this post, because there is a reference in the story to some woman who had the disposition of a saltwater crocodile coming off a meth bender, but if meth does indeed make your balls hurt, then those “Just say no” commercials need to start getting this message out.

Those Guys on Steroids Ask Some Pretty Weird Questions

• Best size and strength steroids to inject – Even if I knew, I wouldn’t tell you.
• Can I give blood on steroids? Lots of searches on this term. I wonder why they ask. Is it because in the U.S. you get paid for donating blood and they need the money to buy more steroids?
• Can you donate sperm if you are on steroids? – Again, money?
• Can you lose blood out of your bum on steroids? – YES! Steroids are illegal and you can be arrested and go to prison. Eventually, being in prison is going to cause you to lose blood out your bum.
• Do steroids make you aggressive and hit your wife? – Are you looking for some kind of justification for being a raging asshole?
• Does taking a little bit of steroids affect you? Yes, it makes you a person who uses steroids and a criminal.
• Photos of wives on anabolics – Is there some weird fetish I don’t know about?
• If steroids affect sperm how do bodybuilders have kids? – Maybe they shouldn’t be having kids.

Hoop Earring Girl

I wrote a post about interesting gym patrons and learned that there are a lot of horny guys out there who have this thing for girls who wear hoop earrings.

• Fuck girl hoop earring
• Fucking girls wearing hoop earrings
• Girls with hoop earrings fuck
• Guy hoop earrings – This is a bad idea, in my opinion.
• Hoop earring fuck
• Hot girls hoop earrings

Mmmm… Beer

• Willpower to moderate my beer intake – Six searches on this exact term, and they all spent lots of time on the site. I’ll admit that this is a subject that I’m well-versed in.
• Can a six pack a day cause alcoholic cardiomyopathy? – If you are concerned enough to ask this question, then perhaps it is time to cut down.
• If I drink six dozen beer a month does it mean I have a drinking problem? – See above.
• Bill Phillips beer and pizza – A dozen people searched on this. I don’t think Bill consumes either.

Adventures in Manscaping

• Body for wife shave – That pretty much sums it up.
• Manscaping before and after photos – I didn’t put up pics but they still read the story
• Manscaping chest pimples – It can happen.
• Manscaping scissors – Be careful. Trust me on this one.
• When is manscaping okay? – When your wife tells you it’s time.
• How to avoid ingrown hairs when manscaping? – Let me know if you figure that one out.

The Anonymous Asshole

I have an anonymous referral function on my site, which makes me an asshole.

• Asshole anonymous email – Lots of searches on this. Give the people what they want.
• Being honest can make you an asshole – No, being an asshole can make you honest.
• Guys how want pissy all you do send an email to them – English, motherfucker. Do you speak it?

Generally Weird Stuff

• Back acne wife beater – This search went to the Steroids and Spousal Abuse story, but what is amazing is that twenty-two people searched on this exact term in the last six months and found my site.
• Magnum PI Shorts – Quite a few searches for this. In my chapter on getting your gear together I told people NOT to wear these.
• “70s show” and “Poop chute” – That was the exact search term and he found my diet chapter. If you actually read the chapter carefully you’ll discover why it went there.
• Do people with higher metabolism rate shit more often? – Do people who ask questions like this do lots of drugs?
• Young couple fucking up a storm – I’m at a loss for how this found my site.
• Wife uses gym as excuse for not wearing wedding ring – That’s because the guys at the gym are better looking than you are. For the record, my wedding ring never comes off.
• Hilarious blog – I’m glad someone thinks so.
• Tank top etiquette – It is considered good etiquette to not wear one.
• What are some benefits of having a healthy lifestyle from being obesed – Someone “obesed” you? Sounds painful.
• Books for dumb asses that can’t read – At least I can take some small comfort from the fact that this person spent very little time on my site.

And the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed into Google? Well, that would probably be: “Who is the moaning chick at the beginning of More Human than Human by White Zombie?”

What can I say? She sounds hot.