Body for Wife: The Family Guy’s Guide to Getting in Shape

By James S. Fell, MBA, CSCS

Just for Men
Oprah will never endorse this book.

If you watch her show then read something else because Body for Wife is a guide for men. This isn’t because the information applies only to male physiology; the principals are relevant for both genders. The writing style, psychology and lifestyle planning, however, are for the regular guy.

Now don’t get your knickers in a twist because I used the words “psychology” and “lifestyle planning.” I’ll do my best to not make you blow your groceries; there won’t be any group hugs or self-affirmations or other new-age bullshit. Nevertheless, it is critical to understand that the most important aspect of getting in shape isn’t knowledge, a new exercise technique or superior genetics, and it certainly isn’t taking the latest miracle pill advertised in an Internet pop-up window or guzzling seven-dollar bottles of unpronounceable berry juice that taste like the sweat wrung from a football player’s jock strap. The critical component of fitness is something altogether different, so read this next sentence as if your ability to succeed at getting in shape depends upon it, because it does:

Motivation Rules All!

Willpower, tenacity, determination, gumption – whatever you want to call it, it all amounts to the same thing: the ability to put down the donut and get your ass off the couch. You can have exceptional genetics and know all the facts about getting in shape, but if you can’t motivate yourself then you’re screwed.

And potato shaped.

You’re a screwed potato.

The Real How-to of Motivation
Motivation does not come from reading syrup-laden sob stories of various fat people who found meaning in their lives by getting six-pack abs, and looking at impressive before and after pictures is not a realistic method for strengthening your will. Cognitive behavioral change is a science and there are proven strategies and logical steps you can follow that will develop your determination to get in shape.

Willpower is like a muscle. If you never work out and have a crappy diet then I’m sorry to say that your willpower muscle sucks right now, at least as it applies to leading a healthy lifestyle. You may have tremendous drive to be a kick-ass accountant, salesman, carpenter, teacher, or dog groomer for all I know. What is important to understand is that your getting-in-shape motivation will not instantly transform from Danny DeVito into Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I don’t expect you to read a single chapter on motivation then have some miraculous light go off where singing angels appear and you instantly decide to make a complete 180 degree change in your lifestyle. I don’t know too many people who can do that without believing God personally threatened to shove a lightening bolt up their ass if they don’t start a fitness program. Psychological research proves that people hate change, which is why my approach is gradual and step-by-step. If you jump completely onto the fitness bandwagon overnight then you are probably going to fall right back off. This is not a personal failing in you, it is simple human nature.

You didn’t turn flabby overnight and you’re not going to undo it in twelve weeks. If you choose the twelve-week intense-torture method of complete lifestyle change chances are high that you will quit after a week, maybe two. Then those twelve weeks are going to pass by anyway and you’ll be back where you started; a year from now you will still be in poor shape.

You will still be a screwed potato.

OR, you could be more realistic and in a year or so have transformed your lifestyle and your body. This will make your wife happy. Having a happy wife will make you happy. You will then tell your friends to buy my book and I will get money to buy things that make me happy. Everybody wins.

Getting in shape has tremendous rewards, but achieving it is difficult. Nothing good comes without effort, and this may be one of the most challenging things you ever do. It takes dedication to ditch bad habits and adopt good ones. If it was easy then 70% of North Americans wouldn’t be overweight and more than the paltry figure of 23% of the population would be exercising enough to achieve minimal health benefits.¹

Learn, Plan, Prepare, THEN Do
Few people can do the immediate and total lifestyle shift. I’m betting you’re like most men and can’t either. This is why I’ve developed six different phases for you to progress through. The first two don’t even have any dieting or exercise because during these phases you are building what is called self-efficacy. Self-efficacy means you feel comfortable about your abilities, which increases the likelihood of you continuing on in a specific task (more on this in Chapter 2).² Before you start exercising and eating healthy I want to make sure you have a good handle on what you are doing because it increases your comfort level and makes you more likely to persevere. The first two phases are all about getting ready to get started. Make sense?

Another important part of developing motivation and self-efficacy is having a strategic plan (which is where my MBA actually comes in handy – go figure). This isn’t just knowing what to do for exercise or what to eat, but refers to all of the other A-Z details associated with gradually changing your lifestyle from donut-scarfing couch potato into diet-conscious workout warrior.

A Plan for the Family Guy
What I am talking about is a total lifestyle overhaul, but one that takes place gradually to minimize the suffering that comes with behavioral modification. If you’re inactive then you likely don’t want to adopt workout warrior diet and exercise habits right away or they might maim you. You’ve got to progress through the phases at a pace you can live with. Make some small changes, struggle through them, achieve a degree of comfort then progress to the next level. This is the fundamental key to behavioral change. Each phase requires a new level of dedication, which is why I have four separate chapters on the subject of motivation interspersed at critical sections in the book.

Now don’t go fretting that this book is nothing but psychology of motivation. I don’t believe that behavioral change as it applies to getting your ass in shape requires excessive details or explanation. The motivational content just happens to be the most important parts of the book. The majority of Body for Wife is the real “how to” of getting in shape.

I also don’t want you to worry that this is some kind of hippie love-in approach to fitness motivation. This doesn’t mean I advocate the high-school-football coach method, but I do realize that you’re a guy. The soul-searching, “think yourself thin” stuff is left out. I’ve replaced it with reality. I promise not to include anything in this book that you couldn’t discuss with the guys over a beer or five.

Mmmm, beer…

Anyway, the motivational strategies, strategic planning, goal setting and time management advice in Body for Wife was written for the average guy with a wife, kids, job and endless demands on his time. Does this guy sound familiar to you?

No Smoke and No Mirrors
Right now you are probably thinking this all sounds like an endless session in a medieval torture chamber. Yes, there will be parts you don’t like and you must rely on your newly strengthened willpower to slog through, but over time simple motivation turns to passion. You’ll soon learn just how awesome this lifestyle is. It may not qualify as “banging a half-dozen supermodels” kind of awesome, but it’s still pretty great.

And I know what I’m comparing it to because I used to be a fat guy. I was never an athlete growing up, but was the high school spaz who always got picked last in gym class. I’m not saying, “If I can do it, so can you,” because I hate those cheesy motivational clichés even more than I hate non-alcoholic beer. Besides, maybe you can’t do it. Maybe your psyche is so fragile you have a nervous breakdown if your goldfish dies on the same day you forgot to PVR American Idol. Conversely, perhaps you do have some mental fortitude. You don’t have to be Chuck Norris facing down the entire NVA kind of tough, but put your goddamn big-girl panties on and decide not to give up after five minutes and this just might work.

I used to hate exercise; sweat only happened when my girlfriend (now wife) said, “We need to talk.” I used to live off fast food. I used to glue my ass to the couch and empty a big bag of Doritos and guzzle beer while watching Star Trek marathons. This all started to slowly change in 1993 when I decided I should get my fat ass in shape before proposing marriage. Since she’s way out of my league I figured this was a good idea.

Now I enjoy pushing myself to the limits lifting weights. Now I love to run mile after mile outside no matter how cold it is. Now I consider just me and my bicycle to be an awesome day. Now I actually like fruits and vegetables and don’t need to eat a steak the size of my head every night to satisfy my appetite. Now… well, I still drink beer.

Now I’m in shape, but getting there wasn’t easy.

So, how do I plan to help YOU get there? I’m not going to yell at you like the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket and call you fat over and over (I’ll only do it a few times). I’m going to offer you a comprehensive, step-by-step plan that is based on the research of renowned cognitive behavioral psychologists and motivation specialists. There are plenty of articles and books written by folks with PhDs listed in the footnotes. No Tony Robbins, no awaking your giant, and no redesigning your “mental blueprint,” whatever that is. Instead, we’ll just rely on good old science and real facts. Sound good?

This is where the major reality check comes in: you must get past the mentality of the quick fix. There is NO quick fix. There is no fast and there is no easy. There is only long and hard (get your mind out of the gutter). I have one agenda, and that is to tell you the truth about motivation, diet and exercise. Unfortunately, the truth is going to hurt.

A Getting in Shape Reality Check
Now I’m not trying to sell this book as the sole bright ray of reality in this industry. There are other upstanding diet and fitness writers who’ve done a good job of relaying the facts, but there are also a lot of people who are full of shit and want to take your money and give you nothing of value in return. Here are just a few examples of crap that you’ve been fed:

• It’s not you, it’s your metabolism
• Supplements and diet pills are key to getting in shape
• Buy this latest [piece of crap] machine to get an awesome body
• The [insert magic food name here] Diet
• The [insert exotic geographical location here] Diet
• Eat as much as you want
• Eat whatever you want
• Lose 30 pounds in 30 days
• Add 20 pounds of muscle in two months
• It only takes 30 minutes a week

If it sounds too good to be true then it’s about as reliable as hiring Lindsay Lohan as your designated driver.

It takes hard work to be healthy and look good. Most supplements are crap and give you nothing but expensive pee, not to mention nasty side effects to go with your empty wallet. Face facts: there are no quick fixes, no magic pills or miracle diets, most home gyms turn into expensive coat racks, and you won’t get a beach body overnight.

This is reality. Accept it, or continue being fat. Don’t fret too much though, because after a while you will learn to love eating healthy and exercising your ass off. I’m going to teach you how to enjoy living this way. You too can be one of those fit people who are the envy of the gravitationally enhanced.

What do you say? [Insert asthmatic-sounding Sith Lord voice here] “Join me, and we can rule the galaxy!”

Notes

1. Cynthia Ogden et al., “Prevalence of Overweight and Obesity in the United States, 1999-2004,” Journal of the American Medical Association, 295 (13), April 5, 2006, p. 1553; Curt Lox et al., The Psychology of Exercise: Integrating Theory and Practice, (Scottsdale: Holcomb Hathaway, 2006), p. 27.
2. Albert Bandura, “Self Efficacy: Toward a Unifying Theory of Behavioral Change,” Psychological Review, 84, March 1977, pp. 195-200.