Dear eHarmony Marketing Dude:
If I were you, I’d be pissed.
See, it seems as though the various networks that are running your advertisements are not concerned about protecting
your brand. In other words, they’re making your customers look ugly.
Now I get what you’re about. My current relationship predates the Internet so I don’t speak from direct
experience, but I can tell that you’re about realism. The people in your commercials are either real-live customers,
or they’re actors who get cast with roles like “customer in seedy bar.” My guess is that they’re the
real deal because that one hook-nosed dude with the under bite looks like he’s trying to eat his partner’s face
when he kisses her. I would think that actors know how to kiss better than that.
Anyway, because they’re for real, they’re nothing special to look at. They’re not
ugly, but we’re not talking about jaw-dropping models here either. Am I right? I’ll admit that while I’m
pretty from the neck down, my face doesn’t make anyone swoon. Most of the people on this planet are just a bunch of
average-looking folks; not ugly, but not pretty either. Unless we’re talking about my wife: she’s beautiful.
This brings me to my point. I’ve noticed recently that a number of television
networks are showing your commercials immediately after commercials for Bowflex. Now the people in the Bowflex commercials
are good looking. The guys are man-pretty, and the women are smokin’
hot babes in spandex. The fact that they didn’t get those fabulous bodies using an actual Bowflex is irrelevant. We’re
talking about marketing here, after all.
The result is that,
after seeing a Bowflex commercial, everyone looks ugly. The woman with the colored contacts in the Bowflex Treadclimber commercial?
She’s something else, isn’t she? Tell me half of your male customers wouldn’t ditch their “matched
on compatibility” significant others for a chance with her.
On
the subject of compatibility, I have a question. Can you tell me why my wife’s friend – an intelligent, educated,
professional and attractive woman – gets matched with semi-literate truck drivers via your site? Seriously, this happened
twice and we’re all curious. It makes me wonder about how this compatibility function of yours really works. I can appreciate
the need for it, because I’d never want to be matched with a woman who, for instance, loves Nickelback. That’s
a total deal breaker in my book. However, judging from what I know of your track record, I wonder if you hired your software
programmers away from Microsoft.
As far as the compatibility of my relationship
is concerned, I love my wife, and for reasons more complex than string theory she loves me too (and she hates Nickelback).
That’s worked for us for 20 years.
Anyway, I just thought
you might want to know about this whole Bowflex commercial thing so you can call the networks and complain. You certainly
spend a lot of money and have some rights as to advertising placement. I once freaked on a magazine for putting a glowing
article about a competitor right next to an ad for a company I worked for and they gave me a free re-run to smooth things
over. I’m sure I don’t need to teach marketing to you. Perhaps you were just unaware that this was taking place.
In conclusion, I certainly hope that I am never in need of your services. If I was
ever single again, heaven forbid, then I’m not sure that eHarmony would be the first place I would go to look for a
new mate.
No, I’d go hang out where they film Bowflex
commercials and try and pick up one of those babes instead.
Best
regards,
James S. Fell
www.bodyforwife.com
