Gym Etiquette 101

By James S. Fell

This article appeared in Inside Fitness Magazine in the June/July, 2009 issue.

I smelled him before I saw him.

Actually, he smelled so bad I could almost taste him. If reading this comment disgusts you then imagine how I felt. My gym is a large and busy affair, so locating the offender was no easy task. I don’t know why I had to figure out who it was that smelled so bad he could knock a buzzard off a gut pile, it is just part of my nature that I like to be able to put a face to someone who repulses me so.

I was instantly able to disregard half the occupants of the gym as the guilty party because no woman could ever smell like this. I saw one guy who looked rather sweaty using a hamstring curl machine and walked passed, only to realize it wasn’t him. Then I heard the offender; it sounded like he was giving birth to a harbour seal. His second strike.

He was using the lat pull down machine. If this had been a cartoon then “stink lines” would have been coming off his body, but since it was real life I sauntered by and got my confirmation. The guy in the blue tank top was definitely the fragrant transgressor. Tank top? Hmmm… Not really a strike, but certainly tacky.

The guy was big. Bigger than me, but his technique sucked. Crappy technique isn’t a strike, but screaming like someone is circumcising you with an epileptic wolverine on every rep is just plain annoying. I almost felt tempted to commit a gym etiquette no-no myself and offer unsolicited advice on his abysmal lifting practices. Lat pull downs are best done with the upper body remaining stationary, not rocking back and forth like a guy in a padded cell wearing a huggy jacket.

Then he got up and walked away from the machine without wiping it down; I looked at the ectoplasmic residue left behind with contempt, reminded of a scene from Ghostbusters. Strike three, buddy. You just failed Gym Etiquette 101.

Actually, the way this guy smelled was worth three strikes all on its own. I can handle a lot of ignorance in terms of proper gym-going behaviour, but stinking up the joint is hard to tolerate. I wanted to go up and give him the business, but I’m too Canadian for that, or too chicken, one of those two.

Enough about him, let’s talk about you.

If you want me (and other gym goers) to not hate you, then here are some basic rules you need to follow:

• Above all else, please don’t smell bad. Change your workout clothes. Shower regularly. Use deodorant. Do weights first, then cardio, then LEAVE and head straight for the shower. Just because you’re a gym rat doesn’t mean you should smell like a drowned rat.
• Clean up after yourself. The towels and sprayers are there for a reason.
• Share. If someone asks to work in then let them. On that note, don’t hog aerobic equipment either.
• A little grunting is okay, but it shouldn’t sound like a Lamaze class.
• Return it from where you got it.
• Spot those who ask.
• Be good to the equipment. Don’t drop weights or let plates slam down. It’s annoying and you might break it.
• Don’t give unsolicited advice. Just mind your own business and let the dumb ass hurt himself.
• Check your ego at the door.
• Don’t bring your cell phone unless you’re expecting a call from someone who is very pregnant.
• Don’t be too chatty. A little conversation is okay, but remember that we’re all there to exercise. Also, don’t initiate conversations with people wearing headphones. They don’t want to talk to you.
• If you’re male, don’t ogle the females. They don’t like that and you don’t want to get a reputation as “creepy staring guy.” Take a quick glance using the mirrors then get back to work. Drooling is bad too.
• If you’re female, feel free to check us guys out. We do like that. As least I like it. Hey, look at my biceps.
• Dress appropriately. Just because you’ve got it doesn’t mean you should flaunt it.

I like the gym. I love it. It’s my home away from home. I think the real secret to getting and staying in good shape is simply to love exercise, and if you’re fellow gym patrons are courteous then it makes loving the place a lot easier.

This will be on the test, so study hard.