I’ve been working out at various gyms for almost 16 years now. I’ve been to high-end health clubs and grubby little basements and everything in between in at least 40 cities spanning five countries and two cruise ships.

I’ve seen a lot of strange people in that time.

Most people at various gyms don’t fit into any category other than “normal” or “regular.” There is nothing specifically identifying about them. They’re just average folks at the gym. Then there are those who do fit into a specific group. I don’t know if I’ve figured all the groups out, but here are the ones that come to mind from my many hours of people watching while pumping iron:

The Maggot Gagger
This is always a guy. Women can get a bit of body odor, but only a man can smell so bad that the stench could knock a buzzard off a gut pile and leave a bad taste in your mouth for an hour afterwards. I think that gyms should have a stink detector alarm and security personnel who escort such offenders off the premises in as humiliating a manner as possible.

It’s the only way they’ll learn.

The Compensating for Something-ers
These are men. Well, boys actually. They travel in packs of three to five. They don’t have a clue what they’re doing. They show up and believe that the goal of weight lifting is to show off for their numb nut friends by lifting as much weight as they can by whatever means necessary. The concept of proper lifting technique never occurs to them. They hover around one bench together and spend about 10% of their time lifting and the rest shouting encouragement to their brainless buddies who are doing the funky chicken in an effort to lift far more weight than they are capable of.

It should be legal to shoot them.

Miss Mountain Lion
Also known as the cougar. Also known as “thank God I’ve got a wedding ring to protect me.” These women know stuff. You can see it in their eyes. They’ll hurt you if you give them the chance, and I’m not talking about your feelings. They’re usually in really good shape, although parts of them are plastic and there has certainly been some strategic nipping and tucking going on. They often look amazing from the neck down, but the face is difficult to discern through the layers of makeup. I could envision how the next morning could be a frightening experience.

Many of them work hard with weights. They can lift as well as any man. Like I said, they’ll hurt you.

They hunger. Fear them.

Hoop Earring Girl
She’s under 25. She’s hot. She knows this. She never makes eye contact with anyone. She wears expensive and tight-fitting gym attire that show off a figure that has not yet experienced the ravages of gravity. Her hair and makeup are all done to perfection. She also wears jewelry and even perfume to the gym. She wears headphones to tune out would be suitors. She doesn’t want to talk to you. She pretends that she doesn’t see you drooling over her.

She shows up, does 15 minutes on a stairclimber at low intensity – hardly enough to break a sweat, stretches a little, then leaves. If she keeps going to the gym, eventually she will transform into Miss Mountain Lion.

The Screamer
This is the guy who, while lifting, sounds like he’s either giving birth to a harbor seal or being circumcised with an epileptic wolverine.

They were abused as children.

Señor Spandex
Also known as TMI guy. It’s just wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Hypocrisy Disclaimer: the shorts you see me wearing on this site were used just for the photo shoot. I never, ever appear in public wearing those. Ever. Really.

The Tsunami
This guy shows up sweaty. By the time he’s done he is a walking puddle of protoplasm. Sometimes he is also a Maggot Gagger.

The Wife Beater
The guy wearing a snug, white, ribbed tank top. Mullet optional.

The Guy Who Wears the Same Goddamn Shirt Every Goddamn Day
See Maggot Gagger.

The Juicer
Usually male, but not always. I don’t see a lot of these, as they tend to hang out in gyms that cater to their seriously messed up lifestyles that involve injecting whatever toxic concoction they can get their hands on in an effort to build mass.

They look like aliens. When not at the gym, they can be seen hanging out on the cover of magazines with the word “muscle” in the title.

Impacted Colon Guy
Well, judging by the weird way he struts around the gym there has to be something shoved up there. This guy is often also a Screamer, and possibly a Juicer.

The Supplementer
Lots of people take “visual” supplements, no matter how much I tell them not to. This special breed needs to advertise this fact. They have often just graduated out of the Compensating for Something phase, and they always wear a t-shirt that advertises their favorite supplement store, supplement brand, or specific type of MEGA-plex Protein Goo Extreme Synthase 9000!!!

They drink pink, purple, brown or yellow concoctions while working out. Between sets they chat with their buddies in some foreign language about hemoxy cell volumizers and blood expanders and loading on cystein carboxyl glutathione something-or-other.

Feel free to kill them too.

The Exerciser via Osmosis
They wander around. They sit on machines. They don’t seem to ever lift anything.

They are a waste of space.

The Author
That’s me. Try not to step in all the awesome.

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