It’s not cool to ever call a mentally challenged person retarded. Although many would disagree with me, I do believe there are times when it is acceptable to use this word in reference to a person of average intelligence who behaves like an idiot. That being written, those people on the TV game show Wipeout are fucking retarded.

Like a lot of folks, I enjoy watching stupid people get hurt. Schadenfreude is such a prevalent human emotion with a long history that the Book of Proverbs even warns against it: “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth: Lest the LORD see it, and it displease him…” And that’s the Old Testament God they’re talking about; a guy you really didn’t want to piss off.

Nevertheless, I can’t seem to help myself. I’m sure the locusts will be arriving any day now.

Jackass, MXC, Wipeout, and videos of skateboarders getting nutted on railings all bring me joy. I’m a bad person, and so are you for reading this blog. Really, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Back to the show Wipeout and the retards they have on it. If you’ve never seen the show, it bills itself as the world’s biggest obstacle course where 24 contestants vie for a shot at $50,000, spinal alignment be damned. The course is a ruptured spleen waiting to happen, and just looking at it makes the discs in my lower lumbar throb. Regardless, for each episode the producers convince two dozen dipshits to put themselves in harm’s way for a slim chance at enough money to pay their medical expenses. These aren’t even athletic dipshits, as the majority of them are in abysmal physical condition. I believe this is purposeful on the part of the show, as evidenced by the information on the application:

“You don't need to be an athlete to participate.

SEEKING:
• MEN AND WOMEN over 18 years of age.
• Legal residents of the U.S.
• Must be able to swim.
• Fun, strong-willed, outgoing, and have a great sense of humor.”

And no, I’m not going to give you the link to the application. I’ll play no part in your severed spinal column.

I think the reason the show’s producers want out of shape people competing is because they are more fun to watch. We get a kick out of watching some walking heart attack lugging an extra 50 or so pounds through a course that a sane fit person wouldn’t touch, only to suffer repeated falls, blows, crashes and other humiliating happenstances. Also, the fatties make a bigger splash when they hit the water.

The final point above regarding having a “great sense of humor” is more accurately translated to a willingness to act like a complete idiot on national television. I’m not talking about the going through the course part – it’s a given that anyone who does that is brain damaged. No, it’s during the “interview” portion right before said moron commences the course. This is where they act in a manner that causes the viewing audience to collectively assert, “Man, these people are stupid.”

Don’t even get me started on the announcers. Suffice to say they are about as amusing as listening to Bob Saget when you have a hangover. In other words, I want to slather them both in chum and throw them into shark infested waters, but since I’m not allowed to do that I just hit the mute button instead. The hot chick announcer is okay.

As for the contestants, I can’t understand why the really out of shape ones attempt this. The fit people I can understand; they likely think they’re tough enough to handle it and might win the grand prize (but don’t forget that it’s taxable, so it turns out to be significantly less than $50,000). Compared with a number of the winners I’ve seen I’m confident that I could perform better on that show, but there is no way in hell I’d ever consider it. Even with a reasonable chance of winning I would never put my body in that much physical jeopardy for a crappy $50k. The jackpot would have to be a least a million and with the usual number of fat asses for fellow contestants for me to even think about competing. It’s all moot anyway, since I’m not a US resident.

As I mentioned, the ones who perplex me the most are those who are so seriously out of shape that they have no chance of winning. Why put themselves through so much pain? This course can permanently disable. I saw one wipeout (repeated ad naseum in slow mo) where an overweight woman was going through the “Big Balls” and she fell about six feet, caught her head on the lip at the base of the ball, and it cranked her neck at a sickening angle. I was amazed she wasn’t instantly turned into a quadriplegic. I wouldn’t be surprised if she suffers permanent chronic pain from that spill. The disclaimer the contestants need to sign must three-dozen pages of righteously ass-covering legalese.

So what prompts an out of shape American who is so lazy he bitches if the McDonalds drive through is closed and he has to get out of his car to want to temp this course? I think the answer is that he gets to be on TV.

If you watch reality TV you’ll note that there is an endless stream of morons who want their 15 minutes, although none want to achieve this through a noble act of effort, imagination and perseverance. They just want to fill out an application or stand in a line and wait for someone to point a camera in their face so they can start acting like a tool.

I really can’t stand much in the way of reality TV, but I do enjoy watching Wipeout because it is a form of sporting event. It is not dissimilar from enjoying watching a brutal hit in hockey or football, except in this case there is the added benefit of the injurious action being funny because the recipient it a fat loser who should know better. Professional athletes are highly trained and well compensated for their reconstructive surgeries.

I suppose I should feel guilty, because without ratings the show wouldn’t exist, and without the show these people would not have such an outlet to hurt themselves. As a loyal viewer I am providing them with the vehicle to risk their physical well-being, which is rather hypocritical considering what my book is all about.

Alternatively, I could envision that some of the contestants will be so dismayed at their terrible performance on the show that it provides the impetus for them to get in shape. Maybe they’ll see this as a turning point in their lives. Maybe the people who fail on this show will buy my book when it goes on sale.

Great, in addition to the Schadenfreude now I’m also guilty of the sin of greed. I better be on the look out for well-aimed lightning bolts.