Much Ado About Stuffing

A Weight Loss Tale in Iambic Pentathlon

By James S. Fell

 

There are those who would overcomplicate

All food groups that can be eaten and ate

 

Carbohydrates are bad, and fat is good

I’m afraid that’s wrong. No one ever should…

 

Consume something that has a mom or face

You must eat whole grains to run a fast race

 

Insulin and leptin and blood sugar

Do any diets say, “Eat a booger”?

 

There’s a doctor with a cookie diet

Can that be for real? I would not buy it

 

Weight loss comes from a magical berry

Brought to Earth by a mystical fairy

 

I saw it on a television show

A food that fights fat and makes your skin glow

 

Acai and Quinoa cleanse your pooper

Being hard to pronounce makes them super

 

Eat what you want and as much as you want

You won’t be fat. You’ll be lean! You’ll be gaunt!

 

Should we worry about HFCS?

What about BPA? I have a guess

 

Troglodytes never dreamt of a heaven

Offering pizza 24/7

 

Is fat genetic or gastronomic?

Environmental? Or subatomic?

 

Suess wrote, “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish”

All contain mercury; eat as you wish

 

I saw his ad for a new weight loss pill

He’s a real customer; he’s not a shill

 

Before and after pictures never stop

With switched around heads using Photoshop

 

She tried to get on The Biggest Loser

Application rejected. They didn’t choose her

 

She bought products by Jillian Michaels

A better idea is: ride bicycles

 

Only 20 minutes, three times a week

Is guaranteed to make you strong and sleek

 

Buy a Bowflex or get a Nordic Track

It will take up space as your new coat rack

 

We’ve got calorie-burning underpants

Will they help you lose weight? It’s a slim chance

 

Don’t go running – it will damage your knees

That’s not how to get in shape, hear our pleas

 

Just lift weights. It boosts metabolism

This is known as the exercise schism

 

Up a single tree there are barks and cries

They don’t see the forest of epic size

 

Weight loss is easy. Here’s the solution

It is all so much mental pollution

 

You just have to eat less and move around

If it’s so simple, then why have we found

 

That obesity rates are on the rise

Could it be Weight Loss, Inc. is full of lies?

 

There aren’t quick fixes or miracle cures

Facts don’t use gimmicks, promotions and lures

 

There are honest people who want to help

They don’t sell diets that are mostly kelp

 

Doctors, trainers, counselors and RDs

There are experts who earn their fitness fees

 

But there is still struggle; one thing rings true

It’s going to take some effort from you

 

Stay away from the hospital gurney

Prepare yourself for a fitness journey

 

Ignore the weight loss fads, the frauds and quacks

Find your fitness Zen and push to the max

 

But not too fast, go slow and go steady

This isn’t a race; advance when ready

 

When exercise is fun you’ll likely find

That eating healthier is less a grind

 

You’ll do what Jack LaLanne oft-repeated:

If it’s been processed, you should not eat it

 

You’ll see food as fuel, rather than pleasure

You’ll feel good and have lower blood pressure

 

Throw out the scale. That should not be your goal

Focus instead on things that feed your soul

 

Yoga, Pilates, running and swimming

Skiing, dancing, bicycling and gym-ing

 

Leave the computer; go out in the sun

Forget burning calories; just have fun

 

There is one message that I must repeat

When changing the things that you do and eat

 

To overcome your old lifestyle hurdle

Don’t be a hare, be more of a turtle

 

Or a tortoise