Much Ado About Stuffing

A Weight Loss Tale in Iambic Pentathlon

By James S. Fell

There are those who would overcomplicate
All food groups that can be eaten and ate

Carbohydrates are bad, and fat is good
I’m afraid that’s wrong. No one ever should…

Consume something that has a mom or face
You must eat whole grains to run a fast race

Insulin and leptin and blood sugar
Do any diets say, “Eat a booger”?

There’s a doctor with a cookie diet
Can that be for real? I would not buy it

Weight loss comes from a magical berry
Brought to Earth by a mystical fairy

I saw it on a television show
A food that fights fat and makes your skin glow

Acai and Quinoa cleanse your pooper
Being hard to pronounce makes them super

Eat what you want and as much as you want
You won’t be fat. You’ll be lean! You’ll be gaunt!

Should we worry about HFCS?
What about BPA? I have a guess

Troglodytes never dreamt of a heaven
Offering pizza 24/7

Is fat genetic or gastronomic?
Environmental? Or subatomic?

Suess wrote, “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish”
All contain mercury; eat as you wish

I saw his ad for a new weight loss pill
He’s a real customer; he’s not a shill

Before and after pictures never stop
With switched around heads using Photoshop

She tried to get on The Biggest Loser
Application rejected. They didn’t choose her

She bought products by Jillian Michaels
A better idea is: ride bicycles

Only 20 minutes, three times a week
Is guaranteed to make you strong and sleek

Buy a Bowflex or get a Nordic Track
It will take up space as your new coat rack

We’ve got calorie-burning underpants
Will they help you lose weight? It’s a slim chance

Don’t go running – it will damage your knees
That’s not how to get in shape, hear our please

Just lift weights. It boosts metabolism
This is known as the exercise schism

Up a single tree there are barks and cries
They don’t see the forest of epic size

Weight loss is easy. Here’s the solution
It is all so much mental pollution

You just have to eat less and move around
If it’s so simple, then why have we found

That obesity rates are on the rise
Could it be Weight Loss, Inc. is full of lies?

There aren’t quick fixes or miracle cures
Facts don’t use gimmicks, promotions and lures

There are honest people who want to help
They don’t sell diets that are mostly kelp

Doctors, trainers, counselors and RDs
There are experts who earn their fitness fees

But there is still struggle; one thing rings true
It’s going to take some effort from you

Stay away from the hospital gurney
Prepare yourself for a fitness journey

Ignore the weight loss fads, the frauds and quacks
Find your fitness Zen and push to the max

But not too fast, go slow and go steady
This isn’t a race; advance when ready

When exercise is fun you’ll likely find
That eating healthier is less a grind

You’ll do what Jack LaLanne oft-repeated:
If it’s been processed, you should not eat it

You’ll see food as fuel, rather than pleasure
You’ll feel good and have lower blood pressure

Throw out the scale. That should not be your goal
Focus instead on things that feed your soul

Yoga, Pilates, running and swimming
Skiing, dancing, bicycling and gym-ing

Leave the computer; go out in the sun
Forget burning calories; just have fun

There is one message that I must repeat
When changing the things that you do and eat

To overcome your old lifestyle hurdle
Don’t be a hare, be more of a turtle

Or a tortoise