Much Ado About Stuffing

A Weight Loss Tale in Iambic Pentathlon

By James S. Fell


There are those who would overcomplicate

All food groups that can be eaten and ate


Carbohydrates are bad, and fat is good

I’m afraid that’s wrong. No one ever should…


Consume something that has a mom or face

You must eat whole grains to run a fast race


Insulin and leptin and blood sugar

Do any diets say, “Eat a booger”?


There’s a doctor with a cookie diet

Can that be for real? I would not buy it


Weight loss comes from a magical berry

Brought to Earth by a mystical fairy


I saw it on a television show

A food that fights fat and makes your skin glow


Acai and Quinoa cleanse your pooper

Being hard to pronounce makes them super


Eat what you want and as much as you want

You won’t be fat. You’ll be lean! You’ll be gaunt!


Should we worry about HFCS?

What about BPA? I have a guess


Troglodytes never dreamt of a heaven

Offering pizza 24/7


Is fat genetic or gastronomic?

Environmental? Or subatomic?


Suess wrote, “One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish”

All contain mercury; eat as you wish


I saw his ad for a new weight loss pill

He’s a real customer; he’s not a shill


Before and after pictures never stop

With switched around heads using Photoshop


She tried to get on The Biggest Loser

Application rejected. They didn’t choose her


She bought products by Jillian Michaels

A better idea is: ride bicycles


Only 20 minutes, three times a week

Is guaranteed to make you strong and sleek


Buy a Bowflex or get a Nordic Track

It will take up space as your new coat rack


We’ve got calorie-burning underpants

Will they help you lose weight? It’s a slim chance


Don’t go running – it will damage your knees

That’s not how to get in shape, hear our pleas


Just lift weights. It boosts metabolism

This is known as the exercise schism


Up a single tree there are barks and cries

They don’t see the forest of epic size


Weight loss is easy. Here’s the solution

It is all so much mental pollution


You just have to eat less and move around

If it’s so simple, then why have we found


That obesity rates are on the rise

Could it be Weight Loss, Inc. is full of lies?


There aren’t quick fixes or miracle cures

Facts don’t use gimmicks, promotions and lures


There are honest people who want to help

They don’t sell diets that are mostly kelp


Doctors, trainers, counselors and RDs

There are experts who earn their fitness fees


But there is still struggle; one thing rings true

It’s going to take some effort from you


Stay away from the hospital gurney

Prepare yourself for a fitness journey


Ignore the weight loss fads, the frauds and quacks

Find your fitness Zen and push to the max


But not too fast, go slow and go steady

This isn’t a race; advance when ready


When exercise is fun you’ll likely find

That eating healthier is less a grind


You’ll do what Jack LaLanne oft-repeated:

If it’s been processed, you should not eat it


You’ll see food as fuel, rather than pleasure

You’ll feel good and have lower blood pressure


Throw out the scale. That should not be your goal

Focus instead on things that feed your soul


Yoga, Pilates, running and swimming

Skiing, dancing, bicycling and gym-ing


Leave the computer; go out in the sun

Forget burning calories; just have fun


There is one message that I must repeat

When changing the things that you do and eat


To overcome your old lifestyle hurdle

Don’t be a hare, be more of a turtle


Or a tortoise