And on the eighth day it was Monday again, and God was hung over, and he took a gigantic, steaming dump, and he called that dump Nickelback.

Seriously, I can only take patriotism so far.

My favourite band, Rush, is Canadian. I love a lot of Canadian music. I was a big fan of Triumph when they were still together, and I’ve seen their guitarist / singer Rik Emmett perform live a few times since the break up. I also dig the Tragically Hip, the Barenaked Ladies are cool, Matthew Good is awesome even if he is an asshole nutjob, and who doesn’t like The Band? When I’m feeling mellow I like to listen to Sarah McLachlan or Loreena McKennitt. Hell, I’ll even put up with the odd Bryan Adams song.

Celine Dion doesn’t count as Canadian. Besides, no one likes her. Even Celine Dion doesn’t like Celine Dion. I mean, look at the guy she married. If that’s not an act of utter self loathing then I don’t know what is.

But let’s talk about the pile of pulsating penile puss that is Nickelback.

I was motivated to write this post because of my experience driving home from work today. Nickelback comes from a small town not far from my home city: Calgary. For some stupid reason our local DJs seem to think that this means they should give them lots of air play. I was listening to the car radio and heard them come on and said, “Fucking Nickelback,” and then changed the station, only to hear them on another station. Then I said, “MotherFUCKING Nickelback,” and changed the station again. And, you guessed it – they were on the third station I picked.

I better not write down what I said then.

I hate them. They suck. All music-loving people should start a fund to build a rocket ship so we can load the entire band on board and launch them towards the sun.

Why do they suck? How much time do you have?

• The biggest complaint is that all their songs sound the same, and they really do. Here is the proof. The only way to tell the two songs apart is the different lyrics.
• On that note, Nickelback lyrics are like a couple of junior high school jocks getting together to talk about sex. Here is an example: “You’re so much cooler when you never pull it out / ’Cause you look so much cuter with something in your mouth.” Gak.
• Lead singer Chad Kroeger wears more lipstick than Dolly Parton, and they have the same hair stylist.
• Chad has the vocal range of Ben Stein
• Chad knows about three power chords on guitar, yet he acts all hardcore on stage, rocking out like he thinks he is Jimmie Hendrix reincarnated. The rest of the band is equally comprised of a bunch of tough-acting, no-talent pretty boys who could easily have the shit kicked out of them by a Girl Scout troop.
• An entire country hates them. Yes, most of us in Canada despise Nickelback, but ALL of Portugal hates these tools. They were playing on the Iberian Peninsula a while back and half way through the second song Chad Kroeger was sprayed with a bottle of water that had been hurled from the audience. Kroeger confronted the crowd. "Are there any Nickelback fans in Portugal?" Silence followed. "Are you sure?" he asked. Geez, how fucking needy can you get? "It's up to you,” he continued. “Do you want to hear some rock 'n' roll or do you want to go home?" More silence, so the band decided to leave the stage and just as Chad turned around he was beaned in the back of the head with what appeared to be a big rock. I’m not in favor of hurling rocks at people, but Portugal sounds like a cool country.

In doing a bit of research to see what others think of this assault on your ear drums that calls itself a band, I found this genius who found a way to make Nickelback’s music tolerable.

Now I’ll admit that my favorite band has some detractors. When Rush first started people said singer Geddy Lee sounded like Robert Plant on acid. Still, there is no international “Rush sucks” movement like there is for Nickelback.

Rush is the ultimate guy band. I don’t know many women who like them, and that’s understandable because it is considered male-bonding music. For example, Rush music plays a prominent role in the hilarious movie I Love You, Man. If you replace Rush with Nickelback in that movie then it suddenly transforms from a bro-mance into gay porn.

Not that there is anything wrong with being gay, but there is a helluva lot wrong with being Nickelback.

If you want to make a contribution to the “Let’s Launch Nickelback Toward the Sun” fund, I take cash.