06 Apr 2017

To Lose Weight, All You Need Is Love

If I work out just four hours in four weeks it means I contracted Ebola. My warm ups take longer than eight minutes in the morning. In as little as 20 minutes, three times a week I might burn off one piece of pie. I’m curious what happens on day 18

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02 Apr 2017

Penis Size is a Weak Insult

A guy in a jacked-up truck with tires the size of Trump’s ego, powered by a planet-killing engine blasting black smoke, tears through your neighborhood. The engine roars like the world is coming to an end and makes the windows on your house rattle. He’s doing double the speed limit

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28 Mar 2017

Modern Tinfoil Causes Seizures, Aneurysms, and Loss of Bowel Control

Those damn lizard overlords. Is there no level to which they won’t lower themselves? New research published in the International Journal of Chemtrail Science reveals that Big Airline, Big Pharma, Big GMO, Big Flouride, and Big Bigly have launched an astroturfing army of shills to create a diabolical new conglomerate:

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27 Mar 2017

Paleo Chef Pete Evans has Gone to the Dietary Derp Side

In the 1982 version of The Thing, a science fiction movie starring Kurt Russel at his best, there is a scene where the alien has taken over someone’s body, and then … if you’ve never seen the movie this is kind of hard to describe … the alien can do

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