If you've never heard of the reptard before, then you need to start here.


The demand for another reptard story has been overwhelming, and by overwhelming I mean a couple of people emailed me and asked me to write more about Spiky.

The problem is that, at least in my opinion, reptard #5 can’t be topped. Seriously, he’s a fucking reptile; there is only so much going on in his life that is worthy of putting fingers to keyboard (and even then it was a real stretch). He eats and he shits, and sometimes he eats and he doesn’t shit, saving it up for a massive reptilian colon explosion of excremental filth that needs to be seen to be disbelieved. And sometimes those three brain cells of his don't get enough serotonin, or something, and he gets depressed and tries to die and I have to nurse him back to health because he's my daughter's pet and that's what good daddies do.

Other times he takes a bath and can’t walk for a while afterwards. God only knows why, but we give him a bath twice a month and he gets post-hydration paralysis every damn time. I still think we're drowning his ass brain.

The only thing I can imagine that would warrant a sixth reptard story would be to get him a reptard wife and have them procreate a bunch of little reptard babies, but I’m only willing to go so far to get my material. One reptard in my house is one too many.

All five reptard stories are true, but perhaps my two (maybe three) rabid reptard fans will settle for something a little more speculative for this installment, and by speculative I mean completely full of shit.

See, I got the inkling of a reptard idea while reading the Huffington Post a little while ago, and it simply won’t go away. To explain, here are the most basic of facts that have brought me to this juncture of writing reptard #6. Bear with me, because eventually it makes a certain amount of sense, in a circuitously unbalanced and downright retarded kind of way. Here goes:

·         Sarah Palin has a mentally challenged child

·         White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel used the phrase “fucking retards” to describe activists who were protesting U.S. debt management

·         Sarah got pissed and lashed out at Emanuel, calling for his dismissal

·         But when her pal Rush Limbaugh called liberals “retards” she defended his statement

·         What’s more, when she heard the term “libtard” (a contraction of the words “liberal” and “retard”), she was reported as saying: “Libtards – now that’s fucking funny!”

Other than being an obvious hypocrite of PETA-like proportions, the logical conclusion from all of this is that Sarah Palin is retarded.

She is also a republican.

She is a republican retard.

You can see where I’m going with this.

So, to answer the crotch-burning question of “Is Sarah Palin really a reptard?” we need to engage in a comparative study of Sarah and Spiky to get the answer via some blatant copyright infringement.

Are they prone to vacant expressions showing a complete lack of higher cognitive function?