The Rubber Glove Treatment

I’m just going to come right out and say it: my doctor stuck his finger up my ass.

With that uncomfortable fact out in the open we can now move on to our story; a story about fingers checking prostate glands. Feel free to bail now.

I knew it was coming. I turned 41 this year and my family doc said it was time. I’m one of those guys who get an annual physical because his wife makes him and he likes his wife to be happy (read: I’m whipped). To be honest, I like the piece of mind I get from knowing everything is a-okay. He pokes and prods various areas, checks my lungs and heart and nuts and blood pressure and all that, plus it’s my opportunity to spill my guts if I’m suffering from some embarrassing malady or depression or something. Luckily, I’m just peachy all around.

My resting heart rate was 48, and my blood pressure was 110 over 54. He also did the basic blood work profile and my cholesterol is pretty good considering I’m genetically predisposed towards high LDL. My liver seems to be tolerating the beer just fine, and he also checked my Vitamin D and said it was 134, which he informed me is really good.

In other words, all my hard work is paying off. So far my quest to live to be at least 90 is on the right track.

But all of that is boring. If you’ve read this far it’s because you want to learn about my sphincter being invaded. Pervert.

As I mentioned, I knew it was coming, so I decided to do my doctor a favor. Being that I’d “used the facilities” a couple of times that morning, I decided to take another shower before heading to his office. I figured if I did him this courtesy then maybe he’d go easy on me, or something like that. It can’t be the highlight of his day either, so there was no sense it making it any worse for him by showing up with swamp ass.

We’d been through all the other touchy-feely parts of the exam and it was time for the main event. He had me lie on my side and pull a knee to my chest. I remember thinking he’s a skinny little guy, so he’s got to have small fingers. This isn’t going to be so bad.

He told me everything he was doing: “I am going to put a glove on now” (that’s a good thing). “I’m putting some lubricant on the glove (that’s even better). “Now just relax. I’m going to insert my finger…” you get the idea.

He didn’t make much headway.

“You need to relax.”

“I’m trying. This is my first time.”

“Don’t worry,” he said. “You’ll do fine.”

“I’m sure you say that to all the guys.”

He pushed a little. “You’re still not relaxing.”

“I really appreciate your patience with this and not just ramming it in there,” I said. Maybe all that weight lifting has given me some powerful muscles in areas that I don’t directly train, and that’s why things were so tensed up. At any rate, I concentrated hard on unclenching and he was finally able to do the exam.

And you want to know something? It really wasn’t that bad. It didn’t go in nearly as far as I thought he would. It didn’t feel like a locomotive was going up my ass or anything like that. Once I finally managed to relax it was over in no time and he was handing me a tissue to wipe away the lube. I didn’t feel like I’d been violated or was about to be handed cab fare and hustled out the door.

“Perfectly normal,” he said.

So, I was willing to give up my dark cherry to hear those words, and I’d say it was worth it. I’m not telling you it was an enjoyable experience. I won’t start cramming cucumbers up there just for laughs or anything like that, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

I’ve got to look forward to this twice more while I’m in my 40s, and then it’s every year once I turn 50. Prostate cancer is one of the most common forms of cancer found in men, and it can metastasize to other parts of the body like the bones and lymph nodes if left unchecked. In other words, it’s no fun at all.

Like most diseases, early detection increases the likelihood of successful treatment. So when faced with regular rectal invasions my general feelings on the matter are I’ll live, hopefully for a long time.

NOTE: If you thought this story was way TMI, then consider it a public service announcement. Seriously, if you’re a middle-aged guy then just get ‘er done. You can handle it.

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