Stupid Stories


This is where political correctness comes to die.

There’s an over-abundance of poo, vomit and farts described with ample profanity in these tales of woe. You have been warned.

This is not a blog. If you’re looking for fitness advice, read my articles, because this place reads more like a “how not to” of life. However, if you’re looking to waste time and lower your IQ, you’ve come to the right place.

I’ve written a number of stupid stories of my various misadventures. Some are fitness related, and others are just about a reptile I wish was dead. Behold my life, and have pity.


I Can’t Look at You – Written May 19, 2013
My head hurts. Again.

Here Comes Honey Bee Bee – Written September 18, 2012
Mother Nature needs a Midol.

The Fart GameWritten April 20, 2009
Don’t pretend like you’ve never played it.

Rush of Endorphins – Written September 3, 2011
Holy duckbills.

A Nut to Remember
– Written November 21, 2009
And we never played that game again.

The God of the iPod
– Written April 14, 2009
A funny thing happened on the way home from a really crappy run.

Justifiable Repticide
– Written May 14, 2009September 30, 2009
My daughter has a pet bearded dragon. I want it to die.

The Cheslatta River Race
– Written June 17, 2010
My dad said I made him look good, but he’s being modest.

A Dog-Gone Shame – Written September 19, 2011
It’s like Angela’s Ashes meets Old Yeller. Except not really.

Boromir is a Dick
– Written July 10, 2009
I love my TV.

The Underwear Affair
– Written June 6, 2009
Old man strength exacts a heavy toll.

Inchy the Caterpillar
– Written July 2, 2009
What can I say? It’s a story about a bug.

How NOT to Run in Cold Weather
– Written February 27, 2009
There are certain parts of the male anatomy that should never be allowed to get frostbite.

Oops! I Did It Again
Written December 4, 2010
It’s a story about my penis.

Not So
Eau Claire – Written November 12, 2010
Reader discretion is advised. Again.

Adventures in Manscaping
– Written May 7, 2009
I will never shave my chest again.

The Smell of Fear – Written November 6, 2011
Hint: It smells like poo.

The Old Testament God
– Written September 25, 2010
Blasphemy alert!

Ewe First
– Written March 8, 2010
I am man. Hear me bleat.

The Hills Have Eyes, and They’re Watching You PeeWritten March 3, 2010
I’m still trying to figure out if running is going to help me live longer or just kill me outright.

The Thousand Yard Stare
– Written July 6, 2010
Whatever happened to just going out to look at naked chicks?

The Call of the Walrus
– Written June 11, 2010
Reader discretion is advised.

Much Ado About Stuffing
– Written May 15, 2012
A weight-loss poem in iambic pentathlon.

The Physiological Response to Being So Very Pissed Off
– Written April 20, 2010
It’s a fine balance between bonking and fudging.

Slip Slidin’ Away
– Written April 2, 2010
It’s not about Paul Simon, but it does involve short people.

Don’t Touch the Cephalopod
– Written March 7, 2010
You might get your face sucked off.

Felt Up By a Stingray
– Written March 5, 2010
Not all stingrays want to stab you in the heart.

The Rubber Glove Treatment
– Written November 18, 2009
You may find this uncomfortable.

Dairy Queen, Alice Cooper, and the Fire Woman – Written September 1, 2009
When fate intervenes, make sure you’re paying attention.

Red Wine Rhinoplasty
– Written August 26, 2009
My mom blames improper footwear, but I blame the booze.

The World’s Coolest JobWritten July 27, 2009
Seize that day and kick its ass.

The Live ShowWritten June 29, 2009
What has been seen cannot be un-seen.

My White Trash Neighbors
– Written June 23, 2009
Karma is a bitch.

Hoop Earring Girl and other Interesting Gym Patrons
– Written June 18, 2009
Over 16 years of pumping iron, I’ve seen a lot of strange people.

A Tale of Two Junior High Schools
– Written May 11, 2009
Nothing helps male teenage angst like punching another guy in the nose.

Hide Your Shame
– Written March 22, 2009
A drunken rafter gets pwned by my daughter.

Frozen Peas and Tylenol Threes
– Written March 10, 2009
The not so happy story of my vasectomy.

Tooth-to-Tattoo Ratio
Written July 20, 2010
Never trust anyone with a neck tattoo.

– Written February 15, 2010
It’s a stupid guy thing.

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers
– Written January 16, 2010
Can you still call it nostalgia if it’s bad?

Death by Misadventure – Written March 12, 2009
Alcohol plus sharp pointy things equals a potential Darwin Award winner.