Stupid Stories


This is where political correctness comes to die.

There’s an over-abundance of poo, vomit and farts described with ample profanity in these tales of woe. You have been warned.

This is not a blog. If you’re looking for fitness advice, read my articles, because this place reads more like a “how not to” of life. However, if you’re looking to waste time and lower your IQ, you’ve come to the right place.

I’ve written a number of stupid stories of my various misadventures. Some are fitness related, and others are just about a reptile I wish was dead. Behold my life, and have pity.


I Can’t Look at You – Written May 19, 2013
My head hurts. Again.

Here Comes Honey Bee Bee – Written September 18, 2012
Mother Nature needs a Midol.

The Fart GameWritten April 20, 2009
Don’t pretend like you’ve never played it.

Rush of Endorphins – Written September 3, 2011
Holy duckbills.

A Nut to Remember
– Written November 21, 2009
And we never played that game again.

The God of the iPod
- Written April 14, 2009
A funny thing happened on the way home from a really crappy run.

Justifiable Repticide
– Written May 14, 2009September 30, 2009
My daughter has a pet bearded dragon. I want it to die.

The Cheslatta River Race
– Written June 17, 2010
My dad said I made him look good, but he’s being modest.

A Dog-Gone Shame – Written September 19, 2011
It’s like Angela’s Ashes meets Old Yeller. Except not really.

Boromir is a Dick
– Written July 10, 2009
I love my TV.

The Underwear Affair
– Written June 6, 2009
Old man strength exacts a heavy toll.

Inchy the Caterpillar
- Written July 2, 2009
What can I say? It’s a story about a bug.

How NOT to Run in Cold Weather
– Written February 27, 2009
There are certain parts of the male anatomy that should never be allowed to get frostbite.

Oops! I Did It Again
Written December 4, 2010
It’s a story about my penis.

Not So
Eau Claire - Written November 12, 2010
Reader discretion is advised. Again.

Adventures in Manscaping
- Written May 7, 2009
I will never shave my chest again.

The Smell of Fear – Written November 6, 2011
Hint: It smells like poo.

The Old Testament God
– Written September 25, 2010
Blasphemy alert!

Ewe First
- Written March 8, 2010
I am man. Hear me bleat.

The Hills Have Eyes, and They’re Watching You Pee- Written March 3, 2010
I’m still trying to figure out if running is going to help me live longer or just kill me outright.

The Thousand Yard Stare
– Written July 6, 2010
Whatever happened to just going out to look at naked chicks?

The Call of the Walrus
- Written June 11, 2010
Reader discretion is advised.

Much Ado About Stuffing
– Written May 15, 2012
A weight-loss poem in iambic pentathlon.

The Physiological Response to Being So Very Pissed Off
– Written April 20, 2010
It’s a fine balance between bonking and fudging.

Slip Slidin’ Away
– Written April 2, 2010
It’s not about Paul Simon, but it does involve short people.

Don’t Touch the Cephalopod
– Written March 7, 2010
You might get your face sucked off.

Felt Up By a Stingray
– Written March 5, 2010
Not all stingrays want to stab you in the heart.

The Rubber Glove Treatment
– Written November 18, 2009
You may find this uncomfortable.

Dairy Queen, Alice Cooper, and the Fire Woman – Written September 1, 2009
When fate intervenes, make sure you’re paying attention.

Red Wine Rhinoplasty
– Written August 26, 2009
My mom blames improper footwear, but I blame the booze.

The World’s Coolest JobWritten July 27, 2009
Seize that day and kick its ass.

The Live ShowWritten June 29, 2009
What has been seen cannot be un-seen.

My White Trash Neighbors
– Written June 23, 2009
Karma is a bitch.

Hoop Earring Girl and other Interesting Gym Patrons
– Written June 18, 2009
Over 16 years of pumping iron, I’ve seen a lot of strange people.

A Tale of Two Junior High Schools
- Written May 11, 2009
Nothing helps male teenage angst like punching another guy in the nose.

Hide Your Shame
- Written March 22, 2009
A drunken rafter gets pwned by my daughter.

Frozen Peas and Tylenol Threes
– Written March 10, 2009
The not so happy story of my vasectomy.

Tooth-to-Tattoo Ratio
Written July 20, 2010
Never trust anyone with a neck tattoo.

– Written February 15, 2010
It’s a stupid guy thing.

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers
– Written January 16, 2010
Can you still call it nostalgia if it’s bad?

Death by Misadventure – Written March 12, 2009
Alcohol plus sharp pointy things equals a potential Darwin Award winner.