The Gym

Let’s get one thing straight: It’s not a health club, it’s a gym. You will learn to love it there. You must. I will teach you how.

Before I do that, however, I need to explain something else.

Why Home Exercise Equipment Sucks

First off, where the hell would I put it? Have you seen what my basement looks like? There’s fucking Lego® everywhere!

Secondly, you do realize that the guys in the [insert piece of shit home exercise equipment here] infomercials didn’t get those bodies using said home equipment, right? They’re professional fitness models, and they pump old-fashioned iron in a gym. I’d bet money on it.

From a motivational perspective, there was a double-blind study conducted where two groups of overweight people were given the same diet advice and a membership to the same gym, yet one group was also given home equipment and the other wasn’t. The end results was that the people without the home equipment lost an average of 17 pounds and gained 5 pounds of muscle, whereas the group with the home equipment either stayed the same or got fatter.

Okay, I made that up. There was no such study, but I am still against purchasing home equipment.

Here’s why:

· Most of it is crap. You can’t get even remotely the same quality of workout with home stuff as you can at a gym.

· Home equipment gathers dust. I’ve had the stuff and almost never used it – even though I was already a workout fanatic. My multi-position weight bench got used far more for [TMI Alert!] than it did for lifting weights. There are too many distractions and too few benefits. It’s difficult to motivate yourself to workout at home, and it’s too easy to quit. The phone rings, kids interrupt you, the fridge or the couch calls out to you etc. The fact is, with home equipment you have to continue to motivate yourself through the entire workout to keep going because it’s so easy to stop.

· With a gym, you only have to motivate yourself for the five minutes it takes to walk through the front door and get changed. Now you’re properly attired and at the gym, what else are you going to do for the next 40 minutes? You’d look like an idiot if you left after less than 15. Get it?

· Having home equipment can stop you from using your gym membership. You think, “Oh, I don’t feel like going to the gym today. I’ll just jump on the bow-blade-ellipto-flex machine when I get home. Yeah, right. The only thing you’re going to hit is the couch. If there is no contraption at home to use as an excuse, there is less reason to skip your morning/lunch/after work trip to the gym.

Again, the only kind of home equipment you should have is a yoga mat. Maybe a Swiss ball too if you want one.

Overcoming Gym Intimidation

In 2004 the American Council on Exercise surveyed 1,500 people on why they don’t go to a gym. The results indicated:

“46 percent… say they don’t go to the gym because it’s too crowded
21 percent say they don’t go because they don’t know what they’re doing
19 percent feel they’ll be the only one who isn’t “buff” or already in good shape”¹

As for crowding, we’ll address that later in this chapter. You don’t have to worry about the second point either because you’ll know what you’re doing thanks to this book. It’s the third bullet that I want to discuss now.

There is a chance this is a major issue for you. Maybe you’re thinking that you don’t want to go into a gym full of fit people because you aren’t fit. Some people think they should get in respectable shape before they start at a gym so they can fit in better. If you’re seriously overweight, maybe you fear others will look down on you.

I don’t know how overweight you may be, but even if you are in a high BMI range then I’ve got something important to tell you about the gym:

No one cares.

Seriously, I’ve been hanging out at various gyms for over 15 years and I can’t think of one single time where I ever got the impression that an overweight person was looked down upon for being there exercising. It is an accepting environment. If anything, people may see you working hard and think, good for him. I hope he succeeds.

It’s true that many people are judgmental jerks about weight. I poke fun now and then for entertainment value in my writing, but if it pissed you off that much you never would have read this far. In reality, however, I’m trying to help you. People may harshly judge an overweight person who is inhaling half the menu at McDonalds, but almost no one will think anything bad when they see that person at the gym.

Everyone who works out at a gym knows what it is for. Many of the people there used to be overweight as well. Don’t be afraid of the gym. The gym is your friend. The people there can be too. I went through this when I had a 28 BMI (see Chapter 3) and no muscle to speak of, but I’ve witnessed much larger men fit right into the gym environment and achieve their goals. If when shopping for a gym you find a place full of roid-raging muscle heads, then you should give it a pass (I hate those places too). In a regular gym you should never think that you’re not fit enough to workout there.

Trust me. You’ll do fine.

Gym Shopping

When you exercise can have a big impact on where, so you may wish to take a look at the next chapter while going through this one. For example, if you decide the lunch time workout is for you, then it has to be close to work. If morning or after work will be your thing, then close to home, close to work, or somewhere along the way are all possible. If you think you will be lifting a lot on weekends, then close to home is a must. Just FYI, I prefer to do all my weight workouts during the work week. Saturday is a running day (outside – while the kids are in their karate class), and Sunday is often a day off.

That all being written, where can also affect when. If there is nothing close to your house, then weekends may be out. If your job is out in the middle of nowhere, then the lunchtime workout is not an option. So here is my advice. If you don’t care too much about time of day to exercise then just go through this process and pick the best place. If there are only certain times that you know you would be able to lift weights then factor that into your gym selection criteria.

Another FYI is that I have always picked my gyms close to work because I prefer a lunchtime workout. If I need to change it to before work or afterwards for some reason it is feasible for this too. Going on weekends is out, but that doesn’t bother me. If you pick one close to home then you’ve got easier weekend access, but lunchtime is out. It’s all a series of tradeoffs.

Alternatively, you may work from home, or live close to work, in which case all those words I just typed are irrelevant. Before we go through the selection criteria there are a couple of tips I can give you:

If you’ve decided that it will be one close to work, ask around at your place of business if anyone knows a good gym. You can do this with neighbors if you decide to do it closer to home.
Get a list of a few candidates both from referrals and the Net or Yellow Pages and make a list.
It may be possible that there is only one good option, in which case that’s what you’re stuck with. However, if you’ve got a few choices then call them in advance and set up a time to meet with a representative to discuss membership. IMPORTANT: Pick your meeting time that is at the same time that you plan to work out (see next chapter).

Let’s go through the selection criteria. I have placed these in order of my own personal preference. Yours may be different:

Location

Uh, I think we covered this already. Well, there is some more to discuss.

If you want to be successful the access to the gym has to be convenient. Say you work in some downtown high rise and you have a choice of a good gym in your building, and a great one three blocks away: go for the one in your building. As an example, if you have a meeting run late and it ends up that there is only 45 minutes for lunch, you can hustle and cram in 30 minutes of weights if it’s in your building. There is also the fact that you will be more likely to know people from your building there. Having a social circle at the gym is a good thing, in my opinion. More on that in Phase 3.

You don’t want to choose one only because it’s close to home or work, but it is an important thing to factor into the overall gym scoring sheet.

Equipment

I don’t care about aerobic equipment except for the fact that if there is a lot of it then that means more women, and I think more women is good.

Just about any gym is going to have a number of weightlifting machines that allow you to do various upper and lower body exercises. There should be a number of these around. More importantly, however, is if they have enough free weight equipment. Do they have plenty of free-standing benches and lots of good quality free weights? What kind of condition is this equipment in? Is there enough of everything to go around for the number of people there? Because I’ve been doing this for a while I’ve gotten to be pretty strong, so if they don’t have 100 pound dumbbells then I’m not interested. The place I’m at now has dumbbells up to 120 pounds, which is big enough for most anyone.

Babe Factor

Seriously, you’ve got to come and workout at my gym some time.

As I mentioned before, my gym is on a university campus and the average age there is 18-25, which qualifies me as a dirty old man. I’m not the only geezer, as there are a number of professors who exercise there who have more ear and eyebrow hair than Gimli son of Glóin. I'm surprised some of the old bastards don't have a massive heart attack from all the spandex.

I love my gym.

Maybe this doesn’t matter to you. If it does, I have one bit of advice: DON’T STARE! You don’t want to get a reputation as “Creepy staring guy.” Take a quick glance using the mirrors and then get back to work.

Cost

I am a pretty good negotiator, and was able to convince the guys at the university to give me the staff rate (long story). Since I don’t use the racquet courts I pay less than $300 a year for access to the gym, Olympic speed skating oval, indoor running track, Olympic-sized pool with 10m diving platform, gymnasiums and 10m climbing wall.

I guess I should mention the only thing I use out of that laundry list is the gym, but I use it a lot.

Parking

Parking at my gym sucks – I have to pay for it. However, I get free parking at work and it is a half mile away. Also fortunate for me is that we have change rooms at work so I can jog over and back in exercise gear.

It is another thing for you to consider.

Cleanliness

Do I need to explain this one?

Staff

There are good staff at my gym, but I don’t care. I know what I’m doing and don’t need them. You might require some assistance at the early stages, but in short order you’ll be fine on your own. If everyone who works there has a Gump-like IQ it shouldn’t be a deal breaker.

It is possible that their personal trainers will suck, but this is not a problem. I have a good solution that I explain in Phase 4.

Classes

I don’t care, but you might. There was a time that I liked the spinning and boxing circuit classes, but now I find that I can burn more Calories and with more time flexibility doing something I enjoy more: running.

If you want to do classes, check out the fees. At some places they are free, but others charge you for it.

Hours

The only time this has ever been an issue was when I spent two months in Tlaxcala, Mexico. My lunchtime workout didn’t jive with siesta time.

Most places are open way earlier and way later than I would ever need, but you’re schedule may be different.

Bonuses

Do you get free towel service? Your own locker? Free toiletries in the locker room? It’s worth checking out.

Payment Options

Does this matter to you?

A Note about Crowding

I was pretty surprised to read that 46% of people who don’t exercise use the answer of “it’s too crowded.” This sounds like a lame excuse to me. I doubt many of those people had ever spent much time in a gym in the first place.

I’ve done a lot of business travel, and because most hotel gyms suck I end up going to one near where I’m staying. I’ve worked out in gyms all across the United States and Canada, a few in Mexico, two in Guatemala and one in Germany. I’ve exercised on a couple of cruise ships too. In all those visits I have never had a problem with crowding.

The gym I work out at now is by far the most crowded of any I’ve ever seen because it is free to all 25,000 university students. This might make me seem strange, but I like it when it’s crowded. There is a sort of energy that I can tap into. For me, it makes it a fun place to be. In eight years of being a member at this gym I can only think of about three times where I felt the number of people was interfering with my workout. I’m quite certain it is the busiest gym in the city.

Would you want the place to be dead? It’s really boring. Think of it this way: more people means more babes.

The Gym Evaluation Process

If they have a website, save time by getting answers to some questions in advance.
Call your selected choices and book a time to meet with a rep that is at the same time you will work out.
For that meeting you should take a notebook that has your own personalized evaluation checklist using some or all of the criteria outlined above.
Start off with a tour of the facilities. If they suck then just thank the rep and leave.
If they don’t suck, then ask whatever questions you need answers to.
If at that point you think it is still a contender, then ask for a free trial to check the place out. This shouldn’t be a problem although the manner in which they do it can vary. Some will give you two free weeks, although there was one place that was run by the city that made me pay a drop in fee, but I could use those payments towards an annual membership if I ended up buying one.
Use your trial period to try the place out at the same time you plan to be working out most of the time.

I think I’m starting to overanalyze this. It’s not that complicated.

A few more quick tips and I’ll wrap it up:

I think some gyms recruit their sales reps from used car lots. Beware the hardcore sales pitch (there was a great scene in Family Guy with Stewie about this). You want to become a member, not be indentured for life. You don’t need to be an ass, but don’t allow yourself to be roped into terms that you end up regretting later.
Some places will negotiate and others won’t. You never know unless you try.
Read the fine print. A contract is a binding agreement. Understand what you’re getting yourself into.
Some ask for you to purchase a full year up front, whereas others give you the option to pay monthly. If paying monthly, DO NOT let them do a direct withdrawal from your bank account. Use post-dated checks or credit card payments instead.
Realize that you do have to fulfill your contract. Closing a bank account or canceling a credit card won’t get you out of it. These guys are used to such tricks and they will still come after you. It can ruin your credit rating. Don’t sign a contract you can’t live up to, and make sure you keep a copy.
If you get into a bind and have to quit your gym, just go in and speak to the manager to plead your case. They’re human beings too.

Gym Etiquette

Yes, I know some of the women are amazing, but like I said earlier, don’t stare. Drooling is bad too.
Clean up after yourself. Most gyms offer towels and sprayers to do so.
Don’t be stinky. Change your workout clothes regularly and use deodorant. Nothing is worse than working out next to a guy who smells like he could knock a buzzard off a gut pile.
Share the equipment. If someone asks to work in, let them.
Return all weights to their proper place. Don’t leave any plates loaded onto a bar or a machine.
Don’t bring your cell phone unless your wife is pregnant.
Try not to grunt too loud. Some grunting is okay, but it shouldn’t sound like a Lamaze class.
Don’t drop the weights. There are a couple of challenging exercises where I’ll teach you proper technique for setting them down gently – it makes it easier on your body too.
Don’t hog the aerobic equipment.
Spot those who ask.
Don’t offer advice unless asked.
Some conversation is okay, but don’t get carried away. You want to enjoy the experience and get into the culture of the gym, but this doesn’t mean endless yapping. I chat with a few guys I know, but we keep our conversations short and between sets.
Don’t initiate conversations with people wearing headphones. They don’t want to talk to you.
Dress appropriately. More on this later.

There. Now people won’t hate you.

Conclusion

I don’t have one. I think I wrote everything I needed to.